the loop

i question everything.

one of my friends once told me that when she shares things with me, she has to prepare herself for all of the followup questions. i never really knew i did this. but lemme tell you, it’s tiring. i realize that now.

i don’t like typing in uppercase. so here i am in the lower.

my last post got me thinking. you know, about questions. these things i ask, do i really want the answers? i kind of circled around that previously, but here i am again. oh, and not much time has passed since my last post. i am writing this on the same night.

to continue on, i sure do start a lot of things — books, projects, purchases. i’m really sick of it honestly! one of the things i’ve kept up recently is bullet journaling. as i write this, my journal is almost filled up, so i should purchase another before the pages run out on the current one. i thought of this before i typed it. and i literally saw myself stopping my writing, heading to Amazon to purchase another journal (let’s be honest, just putting one in my cart), and then getting distracted by a sponsored book ad. now, that i will purchase.

wow. that’s the loop.

i type this all while my shower water is running. i typed this very sentence right after i turned the shower on and then looked for my iPhone cable. i am still typing after i asked my pendulum where it was. is it in my bedroom? yes. is it in my dresser? yes. still haven’t found it, and my water is still running.

this is chaos.

i’ll be right back.

i’m back. at least a half hour has passed. i had some moments just now. first of all, my shower was quick. i’m not one of those women who take long showers on a regular basis – usually just when i wash my hair. i don’t turn the water on super hot. i would say that’s all wasteful, but i let the water run for at least 10 minutes before i actually got in.

walking down the hallway, the thought came to me. i am bored. i’m not one who gets bored, but there is some type of bored feeling that’s in me. and i think i’m bored of all these old programs running in me that’ve been here for years. i am truly ready for something new. i’ve been trying out scripting (i’m not going to explain what it is, so click the link), and it’s been about three days. i really want to wake up earlier every day and feel refreshed, but when i was in the bathroom, i felt like i need to go BIGGER. just get rid of all the programs that don’t serve me anymore. that was a toilet thought.

once i finally stepped into the shower, another thought came to me. it was like, “look, you read a lot of different books, just take notes or recap the shit you read for that day even if you’re not finished with the whole thing. it will get done eventually.” i liked this idea.

i got out the shower and put on a new video from my favorite YouTube pastor. he was talking about how women (he talks a lot about relationships, and i’ve learned a lot) don’t self-actualize. we do a lot for other people and will mold ourselves for others — a lot of times in relationships — but we don’t even know who we are or what our purpose is. he was talking about people, but really, with the questions i was asking myself, i thought, “damn, he’s right on time.”

after i dressed, i was determined to actualize my iPhone charger. and i did. no pendulum work. just an inner, “check the hamper.” it wasn’t in there, but it was somewhere between all of the blankets that i put on the hamper’s top. it fell on the floor. it plopped right down as if it said, “FINALLY! i’ve been calling you but you were talking too much!”

and that made me laugh because it was true. so much chatter in my brain. this post is a testament to it, and i needed to get it out. i needed to see the process of the program.

tonight’s mission: accomplished. and i didn’t even plan it.